Jesus died for your

April 20, 2015

Jesus died for your
Life in heaven, lab mice died
For your life on earth

The Lord has a plan

April 17, 2015

The Lord has a plan
For you, though it might be to
Die poor and alone

I always thought I

April 16, 2015

I always thought I
Would move for work or love not
Extradition laws

How many lightbulbs

April 16, 2015

How many lightbulbs
Does it take to - wait, I’m drunk,
Can I start over

Two hundred words for

April 16, 2015

Two hundred words for
Snow? I just need like ten for
Awkward eye contact

"Hold onto your heart,"

April 15, 2015

“Hold onto your heart,”
I thought, forgetting about
My wallet and keys.

Rich kids in rehab:

April 14, 2015

Rich kids in rehab:
Your parents see everything,
Your gifts and your gaffes. 

Belligerent nuns

April 10, 2015

Belligerent nuns
Drunk on power and the blood
Of Jesus H. Christ

A journey of a

April 9, 2015

A journey of a
Thousand miles begins with a
Single [product name].

Shall I compare thee

April 1, 2015

Shall I compare thee
To a summer’s day or a
Blooming corpse flower?

There is veritas,

March 31, 2015

There is veritas,
Escape from loveless marriage,
And sulfites in wine.

Maybe love can drive

March 20, 2015

Maybe love can drive
Out hate, but only rednecks
Can drive their houses

The Harvard bridge club-

March 16, 2015

The Harvard bridge club-
Where men discuss the bridges
They own over scotch

The comedian

March 9, 2015

The comedian
Did not taste funny, he just
Tasted like people.

Daylight savings might

March 8, 2015

Daylight savings might
Lose you an hour - a handle
Might lose you a day

Always sunny

March 8, 2015

Advice: always let
The hitchhiker drive so you
Can play drinking games

You say gold digger -

March 8, 2015

You say gold digger -
I say vicariously
Numismatical

My lashes batted

March 4, 2015

My lashes batted
A thousand - in the hopes of
Bagging his billions

You can't bottle love

February 26, 2015

You can’t bottle love
But boy am I loving you
After a bottle

Cats don't care if you

February 16, 2015

Cats don’t care if you
Cheated on the S.A.T.
I mean, your mom cares.

Copper IUD

February 3, 2015

Copper IUD. 
No stress about being late
Until it’s too late

Prince Charming is an

January 28, 2015

Prince Charming is an
Elderly billionaire with
A kind, enlarged heart.

Hazarding guesses.

January 25, 2015

Hazarding guesses. 
Ever more hazardous when
It’s a woman’s age

A well tuned guitar

January 15, 2015

A well tuned guitar
Sounds no sweeter than a stock
Market instrument

My fungible men;

December 15, 2014

My fungible men;
Fun, eligible, secure,
Interchangeable.

Trading church bells for

March 24, 2014

Trading church bells for
Stock bells, heaven’s doors close when
The market opens

He knew five words to

March 24, 2014

He knew five words to
The song Sweet Caroline, and
Three were bah bah bah

Up, down, top, bottom,

March 21, 2014

Up, down, top, bottom,
Strange, and charm. Descriptions of
Quarks or a gay cruise?

Disgraced and disbarred

February 24, 2014

Disgraced and disbarred
The lawyer, hot for hookers,
Traded torts for tarts.

He took 2%

January 4, 2014

He took 2% 
In his coffee and skim from
Company profits.

He was dull and lost

January 3, 2014

He was dull and lost
Like an heir or a pair of
Communal scissors.

The mob boss got off

November 12, 2013

The mob boss got off
On a hung jury, due to
Their fear of the same.

Aperitiff: noun:

November 4, 2013

Aperitiff: noun:
Inebriated fighting
Prior to dinner

At what point does "hair

October 11, 2013

At what point does “hair
Of the dog” end and sleazy
Day drinking begin?

Glamorous estates.

October 11, 2013

Glamorous estates.
Olympic party circuits.
Nervous second wives.

The classicist quipped,

September 27, 2013

The classicist quipped,
“Post hops, ergo propter hops”
To his hangover.

Mama's declawed cat

September 24, 2013

Mama’s declawed cat
Glared from behind flower pots.
Some gelded satan.

Hookers on ground out

September 24, 2013

Hookers on ground out
Heels, worshipped in lit windows
And literature

I took up fiddling

September 24, 2013

I took up fiddling
To keep myself entertained
In case of a fire

Of seven bridesmaids

September 10, 2013

Of seven bridesmaids,
Only the two were wearing
Ankle monitors.

Those "wise" Romans who

September 10, 2013

Those “wise” Romans who
Thought the future was told by
The spilled guts of birds

“happy waitress sandwich”

September 10, 2013

The decent sized tip
Meant more to the waitress than
Eponymous food

Quinquennium means

September 10, 2013

Quinquennium means
Five years. Which you’ll forget in
A quinquennium.

"Say it with flowers"

August 12, 2013

“Say it with flowers”
Said the sign. She pursed her lips,
And said it with knives.

The werewolf paused, soaked

July 19, 2013

The werewolf paused, soaked
In blood, struck suddenly by
His age in dog years

The top came off of

March 10, 2013

The top came off of
The blender and now we have
Something in common.

I've lived all over,

March 10, 2013

I’ve lived all over,
But perpetually in
The dreams of sailors

The aging trophy

March 10, 2013

The aging trophy
Wife switched tennis bracelets and
Fired another maid

Jack be nimble and

February 15, 2013

Jack be nimble and
Jack be quick, Jack be late with
His child support check

The courthouse wedding

February 15, 2013

The courthouse wedding
And his monthly parole check
In dovetailed nicely.

Wanted: Prostitute.

February 15, 2013

Wanted: Prostitute.
The less industry exper-
ience, the better

You lose your lap when

February 15, 2013

You lose your lap when
You stand, you lose your love when
You mount the neighbor

The ocean's bottom

February 15, 2013

The ocean’s bottom
Is under less pressure than
Miss America’s

Pugnacious toddlers

February 14, 2013

Pugnacious toddlers
Push. Sociopathic ones
Push near the staircase.

New attendant who

February 14, 2013

New attendant who
Asked about security
Was handed the bat

Her dulcet nothings

February 14, 2013

Her dulcet nothings
And, later, the vinyl tarp,
Tenderly moved me.

How can the same word

February 14, 2013

How can the same word
That holds baby birds also
House angry hornets?

The dog door creaked

February 14, 2013

The dog door creaked
At its frame but did not yield
To the claimed carcass

Apology notes

August 4, 2012

Apology notes
Follow any party worth
A damn, in my book.

My fertility

August 4, 2012

My fertility
Clinic is the one I host
From navel to knee.

If you wish to leave,

August 4, 2012

If you wish to leave,
And have no means, you may drink
To absent yourself

My beautiful wife

August 4, 2012

My beautiful wife
And the muscular pool boy
Are standing too close.

The drop of a hat

August 3, 2012

The drop of a hat
Is not nearly as quick as
Other idioms.

Let the record show

August 3, 2012

Let the record show
That the court room was dusty
When the widow cried

The cemetery

August 3, 2012

The cemetery
Was a funny place to claim
I thought there was oil.

I had such high hopes

August 3, 2012

I had such high hopes
That your crooked sitting was
Caused by your wallet

I can’t believe that

August 3, 2012

I can’t believe that
You thought this was a job for
Hand sanitizer.

“But I never feel

August 2, 2012

“But I never feel
Quite as pretty as I do
At the dockside bars!”

The ferris wheel spins.

August 2, 2012

The ferris wheel spins.
An arm set free of socket.
Nightmare carnival.

He’s a pro bowler,

August 2, 2012

He’s a pro bowler,
Right arm swings, left arm listless,
A fiddler crab.

Your giant moon face

August 2, 2012

Your giant moon face
Blocks the sun like an eclipse.
Nothing personal.

Ashley pinched Jane’s nose,

August 1, 2012

Ashley pinched Jane’s nose,
Yelling “slut” and throwing dirt
In her open mouth.

I cannot be the

August 1, 2012

I cannot be the
Only one who noticed the
Thinner girl won.

The silvery blade

August 1, 2012

The silvery blade
Cutting its way through my youth.
It’s my first gray hair.

“Crossing this threshold,

August 1, 2012

“Crossing this threshold,
I step into my new life”
“Pick up detergent!”

I apologize

July 31, 2012

I apologize
For the surprise vomiting.
What a great first date!

Narcissus looks up

July 31, 2012

Narcissus looks up
From his enchanting image
“Fuck of a puddle!”

Your purple heart is

July 31, 2012

Your purple heart is
Almost as nice as the one
I got on ebay.

Heart unable to beat,

July 31, 2012

Heart unable to beat,
Arteries coated thickly,
Mama loved shortnin’

Fingernail clippings

July 31, 2012

Fingernail clippings
In the white porcelain sink.
Small, half moons of gross.

In this crowded room

July 30, 2012

In this crowded room
Of the greatest minds on earth,
Somebody smells nice.

My entire life’s work

July 30, 2012

My entire life’s work
A unified field theory.
And you want dinner?

I know we’re fighting

July 30, 2012

I know we’re fighting,
But just pass me my book and—
Oh. That’s real mature.

Somewhere between the

July 30, 2012

Somewhere between the
Gun store and the city dump,
My confidence waned.

You know you’re a drunk

July 30, 2012

You know you’re a drunk
When all your friends forgive you
Unsolicited

Curiosity

July 29, 2012

Curiosity
Might have killed a cat or two
But you can tell me.

You’re great and all, but,

July 29, 2012

You’re great and all, but,
To be perfectly honest,
I can’t be trusted.

“It looks like lattice.

July 29, 2012

“It looks like lattice.
Actually… it’s… dignified.”
“Please call pest control.”

Swirling away fast,

July 29, 2012

Swirling away fast,
The jettisoned passenger
Would not stop screaming.

The beaver had built

July 29, 2012

The beaver had built
A perfect dam, when he thought,
“Oh. I’m an otter.”

The issue at hand

July 28, 2012

The issue at hand
Is less pressing than the hand
That’s in the freezer.

He’s a lovely snake!

July 28, 2012

He’s a lovely snake!
I’ve made friends with the hamster!
Drunk in a pet store.

Is anything so

July 28, 2012

Is anything so
Grand and surprising as a
Disease free call girl?

Step over the bums,

July 28, 2012

Step over the bums,
Leap under signs onto curbs,
It’s urban hopscotch.

The valet and I

July 28, 2012

The valet and I
Were both horrified by what
We found in the trunk.

Auntie Anne’s pretzels

July 27, 2012

Auntie Anne’s pretzels
Was the best smelling crime scene
He had witnessed yet.

The unknown artist

July 27, 2012

The unknown artist
Finished another painting
That would keep him such

Friendly gorilla

July 27, 2012

Friendly gorilla
Still does not inspire the trust
That he had hoped for

I passed the Warhol

July 27, 2012

I passed the Warhol
And contemplated the fire
Alarm by mistake

Misunderstandings

July 27, 2012

Misunderstandings
Can lead to hatred, though this
Was intentional

I had the high ground.

July 27, 2012

I had the high ground.
But then I thought, “Hey, last night
I drank from a boot.”

The geyser spurts forth,

July 27, 2012

The geyser spurts forth,
Tossing the liquid skyward.
Someone get a nurse.

The highest cheekbones

July 27, 2012

The highest cheekbones
Cannot compensate for your
Terrible grammar.

Her pasties were pink.

July 26, 2012

Her pasties were pink.
The tassles hung in my soup.
Casual dining.

African children

July 26, 2012

African children
Are sanctimoniously
Invoked at dinner.

The cad and bounder

July 26, 2012

The cad and bounder
Caught a cab to seek rounder
Girls’ behinds than mine.

His unbridled rage

July 26, 2012

His unbridled rage
Shook the cramped confessional.
Priests under pressure.

Sadly, it is not

July 26, 2012

Sadly, it is not
The strangest thing I’ve found in
Mother’s stroganoff.

Despite the funnel,

July 26, 2012

Despite the funnel,
There is never enough beer
For the loneliness

I always thought that

July 26, 2012

I always thought that
I’d marry a rich old man.
You will have to do.

The wildlife truck

July 26, 2012

The wildlife truck
Turned twenty times in the air
Look out! Loose penguins!

My german shepherd

July 26, 2012

My german shepherd
Now weighs a good hundred pounds.
And look! He likes you!

The off track betting

July 25, 2012

The off track betting
Parlor went silent as he
Blotted his lipstick

Lazily ice bobs

July 25, 2012

Lazily ice bobs
Scotch swirls, gurgling through the glass.
Love in a tumbler.

Instantly in love??

July 25, 2012

Instantly in love??
No. She is waving at the
Person behind me.

Everyone’s crying.

July 25, 2012

Everyone’s crying.
Someone admits that they’re gay.
Thanksgiving dinner.

Drunk in the grocery,

July 25, 2012

Drunk in the grocery,
The olive jar tumbles down.
Clean up in aisle nine.

Your sister is hot.

July 25, 2012

Your sister is hot.
I mean… she looks just like you.
I’ll let myself out.

The guitar did not

July 25, 2012

The guitar did not
Improve the return rate of
My singing voicemails

Now is not the time

July 25, 2012

Now is not the time
To voice your second thoughts. Please
Just repeat the priest.

Sisyphus slapped me

July 25, 2012

Sisyphus slapped me
At the mere suggestion of
“Smarter not harder”

My love for her knows

July 25, 2012

My love for her knows
No boundaries, according
To court documents

The crowd at my back

July 25, 2012

The crowd at my back
Sighed as I laid flowers down.
All alone at last.

With his arm around

July 25, 2012

With his arm around
My shoulders, I shyly smiled
At the cadaver.

The dirtiest joke

July 25, 2012

The dirtiest joke
I know, did not lift the mood
Of gathered mourners.

My favorite axe!

July 25, 2012

My favorite axe!
An honor you’d realize
If you would hold still.

The night was a blur

July 25, 2012

The night was a blur
But the police report is
Exceedingly clear

The bloody bank slips

July 25, 2012

The bloody bank slips
Do not echo what he had
Told me in the bar

Stooping to conquer,

July 25, 2012

Stooping to conquer,
I bent down to pinch
The ungrateful terrier.

A man who treats you

July 25, 2012

A man who treats you
As anything less, will wake
With ants in his mouth.

The Company plan

July 25, 2012

The Company plan
Defrauded, marauded, robbed,
And covered dental.

Cyanide tooth burst,

July 25, 2012

Cyanide tooth burst,
The stark, unplanned horror was
Surprisingly sweet.

A spring in his step,

July 25, 2012

A spring in his step,
He sprints past his shambling friends.
The lone lithe zombie.

Drunk, dealing poker,

July 25, 2012

Drunk, dealing poker,
No one the wiser until
I dealt in the dog.